


In my veins

by Ellstra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Force-Sensitive Hux, Love Confessions, M/M, Snoke Being a Dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8830762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: Hux had been hiding his Force-sensitivity for years, using it sparsely and with great caution, but it only takes one mission gone wrong and all his carefully built defences shatter to protect Kylo. Snoke is always eager to use up all power he can get.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a post of [solohux's](http://solohux.tumblr.com/)

Hux was but a boy when the Empire fell. He grew up on stories of grand battles and ingenious strategists. He was old enough to understand the greatness of Grand Admiral Thrawn and perceptive enough to realise the New Republic kept stopping his meticulously constructed plans with nothing but incredibly persistent luck. Hux was no fool to overlook what advantage the Force offered to those capable of listening to it. With the Force, little Armitage mused, Thrawn would be unstoppable. 

He didn't forget this realisation when he got older, dreaming of conquering the Galaxy with the joined powers of Darth Vader and Admiral Thrawn. It took a several peculiar incidents during his childhood for him to realise his dreams could become more than just a fantasy. That time when he somehow convinced his father to buy him the model Death Star even though Brendol Hux hated toys. Or that one time when a bigger boy chased him and slipped just before he could reach Hux and beat him up. He dismissed them at first but they kept happening way too often to be accidental.

They were small things and Hux never told anyone about them. Partly because he believed his father would laugh at him and tell him he was a foolish boy - and stars, Armitage  _ hated _ being seen as a little child. But a part of him didn't want anyone to know what he was capable of. The part of him that wanted to subjugate planets, the part that wanted to see cities burn should they not submit. 

So Hux fulfilled his duties and studied harder than his peers, relying fully on his brain, casting the Force away. He would not make the same mistake all the Force-sensitives before him did - they relied on the Force too much without learning the rules of the real world first. It’s way too easy to rely on the Force to do the hard work for you. Hux never did easy things. 

During the nights he studied stories of old Force users, both light and dark, and connected with the universe. Only then did he let his guards down and allowed the Force to flow through him and teach him. And every night he pushed himself harder, harsher to himself than any other teacher could be. He would set a task for himself and not fall asleep before he perfected it. He made his books fly around his room, he inflicted wounds on himself without raising a finger and then healed them until they disappeared without a trace. He lured animals to his window and studied their minds, torturing them without leaving his bed, before killing them. He was thirteen when he stopped the heart of a squirrel for the first time. He got so ecstatic he could not fall asleep the whole night, thinking of the implications of what he’d just achieved.

Afterwards there was little to learn during the nights, and Hux was confident enough about his skills to use them around other people. Killing animals with his mind might be enjoyable and make him feel powerful but it was still quite useless. So he started testing his powers in little steps at first - lifting a teacher’s spirits to get a better mark, making his classmates who had crushes on each other start dating in hope of them abandoning their duties. And it worked. It worked so well it soon became very difficult to resist it. Hux was intoxicated by the power it gave him and he nearly revealed himself when yet another classmate tried to corner him and blackmail him, the Force brimming within his veins and itching to burst out and slam the boy against the wall.

But he managed to contain it with a bigger goal in mind. In the forming institution which was to bring back the glory of the Empire, the Force was cursed and frowned upon. Popular belief was that Darth Vader caused the Fall and that nothing good could ever come from the Force. Outwardly Hux pretended to agree while working even harder on refining his abilities. He needed to use them more profoundly while keeping them secret. He was old enough to fight for high ranks and his intelligence alone was not enough anymore. He was good, maybe even the best, but the military was very rigid and certainly not willing to allow a boy in its midst without a good reason. 

Hux never anticipated to find an equal in the Force. Though by the time it was clear he would become the First Order’s leading figure, he met the mysterious leader in the shadows, glad it was only a holo transmission rather than a personal meeting. He was not prepared for how different another Force user’s mind would be to the void of everyone else, even if he could only perceive it through the call. For the first time in a few years, he had to go back to his old technique of denying himself sleep before he perfected the task at hand. He spent two days and nights concentrated on building up new shields around his powers. It would not be enough to just contain them anymore. 

Snoke seemed to like him well enough and soon Hux didn’t need to use the Force to succeed. Everything was going well for him, promotions piling up faster than he could get used to the sound of his name associated with new ranks. As his power grew, he commanded more and more people and his greed swelled up as well. With each new subordinate came the gnawing sensation that there were thousands, millions of others that weren’t under his control. It was shortly after he was promoted to Captain when he found his true passion - speeches. 

There was something almost erotic about screaming at the top of his lungs in front of rows upon rows of nameless soldiers. His blood rushed through his body, thrumming in his ears every time he gave orders to his subordinates. The Force fueled his flame and captured those listening to him. He had always been a talker but now he’d turned his skill to a passion and perfected it over years. He was invincible.

…

Hux decided to see it as a good thing when Snoke told him his protégé, a young Force-user who also happened to be known under the title of the master of the knights of Ren, would be joining his crew on the Finalizer. It was a show of trust and boosted Hux’s ego. He ignored the fact that he had no idea what the knights of Ren were or if they didn’t pose a threat to the Order. Not that he could complain or protest anyway, so why bother. All he knew was that there was a powerful Force user coming to his proximity, and Hux should prepare for it.

And prepare himself he did. He strengthened his defences, knowing fully well this will be the hardest test of his will and self-control he’d faced so far. Having another Force user around will no doubt be demanding, but Hux had not come this far by backing away from challenges. 

He wasn’t ready to be hit by Ren’s anguish or by the rawness of his power. Hux had been stifling his own skills since he was a child, which left them subtle and lurking deep beneath the surface, safely put away. Ren was an open book - no, a holovid, screaming his mind for the whole world to hear. Hux had never met anyone who would repel and attract him in equal measure. Ren was beautiful and hideous at the same time. There were parts of him that felt like they were rotten and decaying, parts that seemed to be pushed away and quenched and yet clung desperately to life, as well as parts that seemed sickly and frail, holding together just with thin threads that threatened to break any second. 

“I’m pleased to meet you,” Hux said at last, stretching his hand towards Ren, “I’m looking forward to working with you.”

“The pleasure is mine,” Ren replied and shook Hux’s hand. Hux shuddered, glad there were two layers of leather between their skins. Touching Ren only amplified the strange, conflicted energy that seemed to constitute the knight. Hux wondered what his hand felt like to Ren.

The next few weeks showed their feelings towards one another were quite alike. They argued about anything they could find just to have something to say to the other, afraid of what would happen should they say something nice instead. Soon enough, Hux was unable to navigate through his feelings for Ren. He used to laugh at people who said love and hate are very similar emotions, and it only took one man to change his mind. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to strangle Ren or kiss him, and a part of him knew he wanted to do both at the same time. 

It seemed natural, almost inevitable, when Ren pushed him against the wall in the middle of a fight and raised his own helmet just enough to kiss Hux and bite his throat in between snarled insults. It felt like something they had been born to do, as if every single breath they took since meeting each other was to be used for this moment. It felt both like the most obvious and yet incredible thing that had ever happened to Hux, more important than any promotion. He gave in to the sensation before he had time to think of the consequences, allowing Ren to devour him, taking a bite after bite himself. 

From then on, there hadn’t been a moment when Hux didn’t think about Ren. It was a curse and a blessing, keeping him motivated and distracting him at the same time. When Ren was gone on a mission, Hux’s whole being, body and soul, yearned for Ren, anticipating his return. The Force connected them, bound them together without Kylo’s knowledge or Hux’s permission, and it was so intense it often made Hux cry. He felt every single of Ren’s injuries, his worries, his self-doubt. They were just echoes and yet they almost tore him in half; he could not imagine what Ren was going through, how he survived it all.

They tried to avoid talking about private things, tried to pretend what was between them was purely physical. It was easier that way. They almost managed to keep the pretence up, to act like they didn’t feel the other’s turmoil. But in the wee hours when Hux woke up to the sound of Ren crying in his sleep, in the moments when he ran his hands up and down the length of Ren’s torso whispering soothing words he was too scared to say otherwise, he could not pretend or lie to himself. 

“I couldn’t live without you,” he would mumble over and over, kissing Kylo’s tears away, “you’re not worthless. You’re everything to me.” 

It may not have been exactly true, but it wasn’t a lie either. 

The Order thrived, Hux climbed up the ladder of command viciously and without looking back, Ren always there to support his claim. Nobody realised the uneasiness they felt when opposing Hux or the inexplicable urge to make way for him didn’t come from the hooded knight alone. 

…

Hux had contemplated the idea of revealing his powers, of using them not only to subtly manipulate people but to openly intimidate them. People cowered from Ren before he even lifted a finger and Hux had to admit he liked the prospect of it. He played with the scenarios, coming up with the most effective ways of showing his powers but it remained just a fantasy. It was ironic but maybe not as surprising that the way it actually happened had not even once crossed his mind.

They were supposed to be on a routine mission, a formality really. They didn’t take Stormtroopers with them not to appear they were trying to intimidate the people they were dealing with. Hux had a bad feeling about it but he had to shut up about it - Ren would not hear about it, he’d mock him anyway, and they did need this planet’s support. So Hux swallowed his worries and put on a confident smile.

It would have been nice to be wrong at least sometimes, but Hux supposed there was only as much luck in store for him. The people they were trying to woo so desperately had in the meantime promised loyalty to the New Republic and attempted to present them with Hux and Ren in hopes of getting more profit.  

A ship full of operatives encircled Hux and Kylo on their way back to the ship, aiming their blasters so poorly it was obvious they were trying to capture them alive. Then they invited Hux and Kylo to surrender themselves willingly, as if they were some brainless cowards believing it could save them. Well it might save Kylo, but Hux would get a blaster shot between the eyes the moment they’d deem him useless.

Hux had never, for obvious reasons, held a lightsaber. He learned to fight with blasters and knives, using the Force to make his shots surer and his cuts deeper, but most importantly, he worked hard not to get in a direct fight. And he had been rather good at that. 

But here, in the middle of a mission gone very wrong, he had nothing to hide behind. He was back to back with Ren who fought off several people while blocking blaster shots with his mind. Hux felt Kylo’s heartbeat against his back, drawing strength from it as he shot his own blaster with lethal accuracy.

But there were too many opponents and they kept coming with new weapons. Kylo was getting tired and Hux had long ago run out of ammo. He was trying desperately to connect to the Finalizer but the Resistance ship must have had a jammer because his communicator remained stubbornly mute.

Kylo got hit and fell onto his knees, screaming in pain. Hux turned around to check his wound when he sensed another shot flying in their direction. He’d never manage to move them from the trajectory in time, not with Kylo’s injury or with so many people attacking them and Kylo is hurt, he won’t last long like this -

The Force erupted from Hux in a flash of white anger and fear. All the years of suppressed energy, all the self-restraint, all the carefully built reputation just exploded, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake. Hux held onto Kylo for purchase, keeping them in the eye of the storm, trying to regain his composure. The Force raged around them like a beast that escaped after being captive for years. Kylo stared wide-eyed and didn’t dare say a word.

And then just as suddenly as it came, the Force was gone. Hux was breathing heavily, his eyes closed as he collapsed on top of Kylo. There was a circle of dead bodies, bigger than Hux could bear, and he felt like something had torn his chest into shreds. It hurt more than anything Hux had ever experienced, and it hurt physically as if each and every of the deaths happened to him too. It was worse than Starkiller, worse than the lieutenant he’d killed back in the Academy. He tried to build his defences back, to shield himself from the pain but it was futile. His core was too shaken and vulnerable and he couldn’t do anything but curl up and wait for the agony to stop.

“Did you… did you do this?” Kylo whispered after what felt like years. There was fear in his voice, and disbelief and Hux wanted to scream. All the years of careful discipline in vain. And for what? For Kylo Ren?

“Yes,” Hux muttered.

“I thought you were… that you weren’t-”

“Ah yes, eloquent as always,” Hux sneered and stood up, ignoring his shaking legs. He was in no condition to pilot a ship but that was the least of his worries now. Maybe Snoke didn’t feel it, maybe he could make Ren shut up about it, somehow-

“Hux, wait for me,” Kylo begged. Hux turned around - he shouldn’t have done that, what did he expect? - and melted upon seeing Kylo’s warm eyes full of pain and confusion. Hux took a deep breath and pressed his eyelids together forcefully. He wasn’t angry, he didn’t hate Kylo. He was terrified. The ace up his sleeve just burnt his arm off. 

“Breathe, Hux,” Kylo rasped, “just breathe with me.”

Hux realised he had indeed been holding his breath and he exhaled slowly. 

“That’s it, easy, it’ll be okay. We just have to get out of here and then everything will be fine. Just breathe. I’m here.”

Hux felt Kylo’s arm sneaking around his waist, pulling him closer. He buried his face in the coarse fabric of Ren’s cowl. But Ren couldn’t hold him, couldn’t keep him upright with his own injury. He trembled, his grip on Hux weak when he’d need it to be strong. 

It was ironic, much like the entirety of their relationship. Two powerful Force users and yet they couldn’t muster enough energy between them not to break. 

“Ren, we have to go,” Hux mumbled after a while. Ren was shaking so violently it rattled Hux’s teeth too, and Hux knew him well enough to know Ren would pretend to be okay until he passed out. “Come on, let’s get you to safety.”

Hux recalled his little lessons when he was a child. It seemed pointless to hide his power now, as he had done so often when he watched Ren suffer in pain, frustrated beyond belief. There was no need for Ren to bleed out now. 

He took a few deep breaths to calm down and gather his abilities before touching Ren’s bleeding arm. He had never tried to heal anyone but himself and he suddenly wasn’t sure if he could do it. His concentration wavered a little but he gritted his teeth and kept going. 

“Hux, are you...ah, are you doing this?” Ren whispered quietly against Hux’s cheek. He was still shaking, his words more sobs than actual words.

“I think so. Yes.”

“How?” Kylo mumbled, “I can’t… you’re…”

“Shhh,” Hux’s hands trembled, just like his voice. He didn’t understand his powers, why they worked the way they did or why he seemed to be capable of doing different things than Ren. And he didn’t want to talk about it, still hoping Snoke won’t find out, if only he gets Ren to shut up about it. “Please don’t.”

“But you’re… you’re better than I am. Just like you always said. You’re smarter and better with the force. I’m useless.”

“No, you’re not,” Hux replied automatically, his heartbeat quickening, “you’re not useless, Ren, don’t be ridiculous. Now come on, we have to go.” 

“Is this why Snoke likes you so much? Does he know?” Ren kept babbling, his eyes wide and glassy, staring at something behind Hux’s head.

“No, he doesn’t, or at least he didn’t. Please, Ren, we have to go, I don’t know if there aren’t more of the Resistance spies.” Hux was too stressed, too high on adrenaline to realise he could use the Force to move Ren, to make him walk if necessary. “Come on, I need you.”

“Okay,” Kylo stopped struggling all of a sudden and went almost limp in Hux’s embrace. He was probably still in shock, but as soon as he calmed down a little, Hux mustered up enough of his composure to drag them both to the ship. He was still shaking as he took off but thankfully they didn’t crash. He switched to autopilot as soon as possible and turned to Ren. He was so exhausted and relieved at the same time, feeling lighter than he had felt for years. At least he didn’t have to pretend now.

“How did you hide it so well? All those years I know you…” Kylo mumbled, his voice trailing off. He was sitting on the co-pilot’s seat, curled up with his knees pulled up under his chin. “All those years I slept with you and I didn’t realise.”

“I’ve been hiding it since I was a child,” Hux said, running a hand through his hair. He only then realised he was covered in Kylo’s blood and his face twisted into a grimace. 

“But I’ve watched you sleep. You were asleep and I didn’t notice.”

“Ren, stop,” Hux sighed, picking at his fingernails. He should have trimmed them days ago. 

“You’re so strong,” Kylo said staring into the distance, “you did everything without the Force just because you wanted to.”

“That’s not exactly true,” Hux admitted with a sigh.

“Are you saying you used the Force  _ around me _ and I didn’t notice?”

“I tried not to, I thought it wasn’t very safe if you were around.”

“But you did.”

“Sometimes, yes. On Starkiller, for once. We wouldn’t have got out of there in time if I didn’t,” Hux said. Then he bit his lip, seeing he’d chosen the wrong answer. Reminding Ren of his failure was apparently not the best approach.

“How many times did you save my life without me knowing?” Kylo muttered as if each word hurt him.

“That’s not what I wanted to say, Ren-”

“How many times?”

“Besides Starkiller, once.”

“On Voss?”

“Yes,” Hux admitted again. He felt irritated - why was he being interrogated? Couldn’t Ren just shut up and be grateful? No, of course not. “You’re welcome by the way.”

Another wrong step, but Hux was slowly losing patience.

“Did you use it on me?” 

“I told you, I was trying to keep it secret from you!” Hux spat, finally losing his nerve, “I don’t know what you want to hear. That I manipulated you to make you sleep with me? Are you embarrassed that you did? You can tell me you find me repulsive, I can stand it. It’s not like anyone’s ever actually cared about me, one more person won’t make a difference!” 

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Kylo said but he sounded unsure. 

“You’re a terrible liar, Ren,” Hux huffed and stood up, storming out of the cockpit before Ren could see his tears. 

He shouldn’t have been hurt. The illusion was very nice when it lasted, and he enjoyed it immensely, let it fool him and well, the joke was on him. He was so desperate for someone to actually love him, for someone to care for him that he made himself lower the barriers only to let an arsonist in and burn him to the ground. There was no water on the ship but he found some disinfectant in the medical kit and scrubbed his hands raw with it. It stung and burnt and he kept rubbing it deeper and deeper into his palms until they turned red.

“Hux,” Kylo said quietly, “you’re hurting yourself.”

“Very observant,” Hux spat, “you know, I can’t live without pain. And when there’s no one else to inflict it on me, I guess I have to do it myself.”

“I’m sorry,” Kylo said and walked over to him gingerly, taking small steps as if expecting Hux to lash out, “I’m just scared of how much I care about you. I simply thought…”

“You find out I’m Force-sensitive - you’re the first person ever who’s found out - and you immediately assume I must have tricked you into liking me. What am I supposed to make out of that?” Hux muttered, scrubbing his skin harshly.

“I know, I know,” Kylo said and finally reached Hux. He took the General’s abused hands into his own and lifted them to his lips, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You can be sorry all you want, Ren,” Hux said, trying to protest. Because if he didn’t, what would remain? He’d have to admit he would forgive Ren for everything, and he wouldn’t, he couldn’t- 

“I love you,” Ren mumbled against the knuckles of Hux’s hands.

“Oh,” Hux felt tears in his eyes again. Typical Ren. He’d mess with him, fuck him up even more than he was already, as if it wasn’t enough.

“Please, believe me, I mean it,” Ren looked into his eyes.

“I believe you,” Hux breathed out, “I believe you.”

...

“General, I must admit I am ashamed I have never recognised your powers. Such degree of Force sensitivity shouldn't have evaded me,” Snoked said from his elevated throne.

“I spent a great amount of time learning to hide it, sir,” Hux shrugged.

“I bow to your skill. Someone untrained with this much power… and to think I've had it under my fingers for years. May I ask why you kept your powers hidden?” 

“I didn’t want to dedicate my life to the Force only because I was raised to believe the Force was what brought the end of the Empire. Besides, I was afraid of what my family would do should they find out,” Hux replied with composure he didn’t know he possessed. 

“That is understandable,” Snoke nodded, “and admirable. You have accomplished so much without guidance, just imagine what you could do with a proper teacher.”

Snoke made a pause and Hux wondered if he should say something. The situation was dangerous and he was caught in the middle of a storm that could quite easily grab him and never let go. There wasn’t enough caution in this moment. 

“Would you like to join me as my student?” Snoke added finally. Hux’s heart sped up. 

“Supreme Leader, that is very generous of you,” he blurted out, trying to buy himself time. Snoke could teach him things he’d never even dreamed of, things that would allow him to fulfill his dreams. But there was a price to it. There was a price to everything. 

“What is the problem, my boy?” 

Hux shuddered.  _ My boy _ sounded so wrong, like something that tried to play on his emotions, on his childhood loneliness and need for approval.  _ My boy _ was something reserved for Ren.

“Ren. Isn’t he your student?” 

“Students come and go,” Snoke said slowly, “you are clearly more gifted with the Force than he is. Disciplined. Don’t you think so yourself?”

Hux froze. The disinterest of it was unsettling. Hux wanted the power and Snoke’s proposal was terribly tempting, but he also wanted his freedom. He’d worked hard to achieve his relative independence. Saying yes to Snoke would mean binding himself to the man, which was something Hux found unappealing at best. And then there was Ren.

“He is better in other aspects,” Hux said carefully. 

“Mayhaps. But I can only have one student. Do you want the position or not? I will not ask again.”

Hux was sure of that. If he walked out of the room again, he would never be given this opportunity again, maybe worse. Snoke would hardly let him run free - Hux would have disgraced him by turning down his offer. Maybe he’d ask Ren to get rid of Hux…

“I do.”

“Very good,” Snoke said, leaning forward on his throne, “I want you to do one thing before we start.”

“Anything.”

“Kill Kylo Ren. He’ll be of no use to either of us from now on.”

“I... “ 

“Is there a problem, General?”

“No,” Hux mumbled, “Just that it seems… unwise to kill a Force user as skilled as Ren.”

“I know you’ve grown rather fond of him,” Snoke nodded, as if this was exactly the reaction he anticipated from Hux, “which is exactly why I need you to kill him. He had failed to let go of his past, of his too emotional humanity. You have a potential, General, to be better than him. To truly master the ways of the Force and conquer the Galaxy.”

Hux fought back against the visions of glory and fame. But why? Weren’t those the things he had wanted since he was a little boy? He wanted to perfect his abilities until nothing would stand in his way to the imperial throne. So he’d kill one person. He’d killed dozens. It wouldn’t be that different just because he knew what sounds Ren would make if he bit his earlobe or the way Ren took his caf. 

“If that is what you command, it shall be done,” Hux bowed his head and waited to be dismissed, his head spinning. 

“Thank you, General, you may go.”

Hux walked back to his quarters, his heart pounding hard in his chest. The officers he met on his way gave him strange looks before looking away hastily, trying to pretend they hadn’t been gaping at all. Contradicting scenarios battled for dominance in his imagination, pictures of Ren showering him in affection mingled with his body lying broken at Hux’s feet with Snoke standing tall above them and leering. Pride and ambition battled need for love, for warmth. Kylo rose and fell again, his eyes always open and begging Hux to stay. Snoke ordered Hux to stab Kylo with his own saber or laughed at him for being weak before ordering Ren to do the same. 

Hux had to stop and lean against a wall to compose himself, to catch his breath and will away to images, knowing Ren was in his quarters and he’d have to be composed before that. He had to be calm and composed. He wanted this, wanted the power Snoke offered. What was the point in denying himself a teacher if his powers were no longer a secret? He wanted to master his abilities, he wanted to be better than Ren, he wanted to be better than everyone, his ambition never settling for anything less. 

But he also wanted Ren. He could now admit it to himself quite freely; he’d come to cherish their time together, and not just the physical pleasure it brought him, although that was undeniably why he kept coming back. He thought fondly of Ren’s fingers tracing his collarbones or of the stark contrast between the pallor of Kylo’s skin and his birthmarks and hair, or even the bruises Hux would sometimes leave. 

Hux knew that was precisely why Snoke asked him to do this, to prove his worth as well as his resolve. Hux understood the value of sacrifice. He hadn’t done anything but give things up throughout his life. He shouldn’t be surprised. And he definitely shouldn’t cower now just because this time it felt like he was giving up something he truly, wholly desired and cared about.

He gathered his thoughts and emotions and locked them all in a little box within his chest so that they could not escape or hinder him. He would walk into the room and face Ren. Let himself be taken and worshipped one last time to remember it. Be done with the whole mess. He almost hit the door on his way, walking too fast for it.

“Hux, I’m so sorry,” Ren mumbled as soon as he saw Hux. He was sitting on the edge of Hux’s bed with his helmet in his hands.

“What about, again?” Hux growled. He didn’t have time for Ren’s antics, or the mood. He just wanted one last fuck from the man; he was already strained to the maximum, just ready to break down and lose his resolution. And Ren… Ren wasn’t helping him at all. Hux was tempted to tell him to put the mask back on and be quick about it, unable to bear the vulnerability radiating from his eyes, but Ren might suspect something. Maybe this was all a mistake, a sentiment Hux should have suppressed. He’d had plenty of sex with Ren, one last time would not make a significant difference. And yet here he was, itching to undress Ren so slowly to make it seem like time had stopped around them, and worship every inch of the skin he’d turn cold soon.

“You had to reveal your powers because of me, and now Snoke found out and did something to you because of it,” Ren explained, “I can see you’re distraught. You can hide from your subordinates, you can pretend all you want, but I know you, Hux.”

“I’m touched by your concern, really,” Hux snapped back and turned away from Ren to hide the emotions distorting his face, “but I chose to save you, so no need to apologise.”

“Hux,” Ren whispered. Hux shook with the intensity of the single word. He balled his hands into fists and gritted his teeth, “it was not willful. Later, when you chose to heal me… that was your decision. But the explosion was not.”

“Are none of my actions my own decision? Am I just a puppet of the grand Force?” Hux uttered, “What do you want?”

“I want to help you,” Ren said. Hux could hear the rustle of Ren’s clothes, the soft steps, but he didn’t do anything about it. It was obvious what Ren was going to do and yet Hux didn’t flinch. He sighed, like the weak-willed boy he was, when Ren’s fingers brushed his shoulder, tentative and gentle. “I want you to trust me.”

Hux didn’t have an answer. He held his eyes closed as Ren’s hands drew soothing circles onto his shoulders, and he didn’t take his own hand away and Ren tried to loosen his fists and intertwined their fingers. Hux should have had better self-control than this, he’d always had, but how could he with Ren’s familiar warmth around him? 

“I don’t care if you don’t love me,” Kylo whispered against Hux’s neck, “it’s okay. I’m sorry if I frightened you last time. I won’t say it again, if it makes you uncomfortable. I’ll do anything you want. Just let me help you.”

Hux had to bite his lip to keep silent. He didn’t want Ren to stop, or take from him without giving anything in return. But he couldn’t tell Ren how wrong he was, not if he wanted Snoke’s power. 

“You can’t help me,” he whispered, trying hard to give his voice an edge the statement required. 

“Then let me try,” Ren pleaded and wrapped his arms around Hux, still gripping Hux’s hands. 

Hux shuddered and and sighed, involuntarily. His body screamed at him, begged him to give in to the touch and the affection Ren was offering, throwing all the moments of quiet bliss and happiness he’d found in this embrace. He thought he’d finally understood Ren’s internal struggle; for the first time in his life, he was unsure of what he wanted. 

“I want to,” Hux admitted, “I want it so much.”

“What did Snoke ask of you?” Ren asked, rocking them slightly, “what does he want of you?”

“I can’t tell you,” Hux shook his head and hit Ren in the chin in the process. The way Ren froze against him, the slight hitch in his breathing were all Hux needed. At least he wasn’t disillusioned and naive. Hux didn’t find the realisation as satisfying as he’d like. “Ren…”

“I’ll help you with that too, if you want it,” Ren cut him off, gripping his hands tighter, “anything you ask, Hux.”

“No,” Hux said sharply, disentangling himself from the cocoon of Ren’s limbs. He turned around to look at Ren, “I don’t want you to yield to whatever I might want. I don’t want you to offer to die for me.”

“Oh,” Ren exhaled, his eyes begging Hux to explain.

“How do you offer something like that so calmly?” Hux snapped, “How do you dismiss your life so easily?”

“I don’t think you really want to do it,” Ren shrugged, “if you did, you would have already. You wouldn’t allow me to touch you. You want me close and it terrifies you. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“Is there anything you don’t know about me?” 

“I don’t know, is there?” Ren asked. Hux watched him, watched the slight rises and falls of Ren’s chest, the slight tremble in his hand. Ren stood in front of him, completely vulnerable and more alluring than ever. The air seemed charged with electricity, and maybe it was Ren trying to manipulate him, trying to act on Hux’s feelings with the Force. The Force… Hux closed his eyes and lowered his defences. If his rational side could not solve this dilemma, he’d have to depend on the spiritual. 

The Force swept him and almost choked him with the intensity of its response. Memories upon memories of Ren flooded him with vicious strength, demanding to be acknowledged, as if the Force deemed him too dumb to realise what was in front of him. And he was. Hux nearly sobbed as he opened his eyes again.

“There is,” he nodded and raised one hand, freeing it from a glove, and cupped Ren’s face. “I love you too.”

Ren stiffened and then melted under his touch, all within a mere blink of an eye. Hux placed his other, still gloved, hand on Ren’s cheek and pulled him closer for a kiss. 

“I love you,” he whispered again when he pulled away to catch a breath, “I love you.” 

There were tears of relief in his eyes. Ren looked astonished, as if he truly didn’t know. He smiled, tentatively at first and then broadly, until his teeth showed too. Hux chuckled and kissed him again, pressing their bodies closer as if no embrace could be tight enough.

The kiss spilled into a declaration, a statement expressed by not just their bodies but their souls too. It reached beyond a regular stress relieving fuck, beyond anything physical. It was love, transcendent and omnipotent, and just this once, Hux didn't find the phrase ‘make love’ cringeworthy because it fit so perfectly. 

“What are we going to do now?” Kylo asked later with wide warm eyes.

“We’ll figure something out,” Hux replied and smiled, running his fingertips over the length of Kylo’s collar bone.

  
  
  
  



End file.
